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Hmmm.... interesting piece indeed.
Do you wish to get down to the technical ground with this?
If so, one thing. Female astartes cannot be made, in no way what so ever.
Although this has few plot holes and such, if you're planning to write some story on this, you wouldn't get the greatest reception, but you certainly would get applause for creativity and extensive history.
If you're thinking of some more formal place like the Black Library Forum or talking with one of the greatest warhammer knowledgeman (I call him the God of Warhammer Lore. He literally knows eveyrhting there is to about WHF) it wouldn't exactly bethe most welcoming fluff.
If you wish to get down to technicality, I will point some things out.
1st, Female cannot be astartes, they can be genetically altered to be more super human, but that's where it ends. The gene-seed is not compatible with the female hormones, so unless you're to somehow turn all female hormone into male hormone (which would make them a man), it's impossible.
2nd, Geneseeds are usually planted when they're about... 17~19.
3rd, If it follows as what you're describing, she would have been genetically altered, thus it cannot be manipulated nor be a proper space marine. (Which was how primarchs were made)
4th, Geneseed are not organs and special bitz and gubbinz that are implanted in a marine, but something called "progenoids". There's one deep in chest, and one on neck.
5th, The apothecary would not necessarily have to study the girl, although it would be nice, he would only need to extract a gene-seed from her. Since it's way past 5th and 10th year, she would have developed gene seed that can be extracted.
6th, All Inqusition hates each other, and are essentially rivals. Ordo Malleus Inquisitor cannot interven on the Sisters or Hereticus' matter unless sign of daemons have been reported. Otherwise, the Hereticus can (and usually do) tell the Malleus to frot off and Malleus can't even squeak about it.
7th, The gene seed cannot be created in factory. Such method are extremely difficult and now is lost to the Imperium with many other technologies.
8th, The Adepta Sororita (Sisters of Battle) and Adeptus Astartes (Space Marines) basically hate each other. Sororitas think the Astartes are weak and corrupted because they're not zealous enough and they do not worship the Emperor. Also because Astartes let Librarian (psykers) in their rank. While Astartes hate the Sororitas for being a stupid, un-enlightened idiots. So, they're rivals and actualyl would kill each other if they were not working for a same organization.
9th, A Space Marine cannot switch chapter under any circumstances, unless they are going to assist the founding of a brand new chapter. But in this case, it's extremely unlikely, because Storm Lords is a White Scar descendant chapter, while Sons of Guiliman are Ultramarine descendant chapter. And they are quite far away from each other.
10th, Adeptus Astartes wouldn't allow anything as to female nor Sororitas becoming part of their Brotherhood. Afterall, the Astartes is named the "Ultimate Brotherhood". As a matter of fact, I would think that while many Inquisitors would take interest in this and favour this, just as many will claim that it is heresy and mutation, and try to cleanse the mutants. With the full might of entire Adeptus Astartes behind them, the Inquisitors that doesn't like the idea will inevitably win.
11th, An veteran does not get to change his profession into Apothecary. The way Space Marine organization works is that as soon as they become a Tactical Marine, they are specialized. Those who show special skill toward medicine and such are inducted into apothecarium, psychic talent, librarium, special zeal to the Chaplenacy. If a marine has already reached a exhalted state of a veteran, then there is no way he could switch his field.
12th, Imperium does not trust the Ecclisiarchy as it currently is right now. (Adepta Sororitas, or Sisters of Battle are Ordo Militant or fighting arm of the Ecclisiarchy) SInce the Vandire's treason that split the Imperium in half, the Ecclisiarchy were not allowed to have any "Men at arms", and they circumvented the decree by having the sisters of battle. Despite their zeal and faith to the Emperor, Imperium still does not view them kindly and keep an eye on them with suspicion. They would abhor the idea of Sisters being a Space Marine. Immediate rejection and exterminatus called upon by the High Lord, millions, if not billions of mperIial Guard Regiments and hundreds of marine Chapters called into exterminate every evidence and witness of such event would ensue.
13th, The genetic and mental qualification and the amount of people that can go through the intensity of any given Space Marine program would be somewhere in betwwen 5,000~10,000 to 1. Which means for about every 5,000 ~ 10,000 people, there may barely be a single person that can be a Space Marine. (Or at least survie to become one)
14th, Gene seed are protected and stored in a massive fortress world maintained by the Adeptus Mechanicus. If the transportation of gene seed were needed for foundation of new chapter or some other reason, huge Mechanicus Fleet with multiple detachements of Skitarii legions, multiple Imperial Navy Battle Groups, Imperial Guard Reigments and Astartes escorts will follow. After all, gene seed are valuable and slow to make.
15th, No chapter are exempted from the gene seed tithe. They keep especially close tab on the newly founding chapters for any sign of mutation or problem. So, it would be both impractical, unsafe and un-wise for a chapter to be exempted from Gene seed tithe because they're few. (Mechanicus only collect 5% of all gene seed in stock after all)
16th, Missing Omophagea can be considered extreme mutation and can even possibly lead to the rejection of the gene seed. While Betcher's Gland are missing feature for many chapters and are not exactly required (but quite handy), missing Omophagea can seriosuly hinder the way a Space Marine learns and fights. But then again, I'm not sure on this. But it would be a big deal.
17th, Astartes would not entrust the Sororitas or Inquisitor dealing with the gene-seeds. If anything was related with gene-seed, the Adeptus Astartes would go so far as to kill anybody in the way to reclaim them. There are many instances where some nosey Inqusitors have "Mysteriously disappeard in warp" because they poked the Marines in the wrong way. Marines themselves would launch a massive, joint-chapter operation to retrieve such valuable materials. (Gene seed are regarded as one of the most important things amongst the marine)
18th, even a most well stocked and strong chapter cannot double their number in a matter of many months. Space Marine are made by recruiting children that show the talent or some other skills that are under age of 9. Then training them up untill they are about 18, then they are ussually a full battle brother by such time. It takes a gene seed 10 years to re-grow, (although first one takes only 5 years). Plus with the amount of failures and drop outs and such, it's really hard. It usually takes even a strong and well stocked chapter (like Ultramarines or the Fists or etc) several hundreds of years before they can double their number. Which is why every marine warriors are worth so much, and can fight so much better.
19th, As I mentioned before, for anybody to be a Space Marine, they need to be recruited and started to be trained when they're under the age of 9.
20th, for any recuriment of a chapter to be succesful, or any effective, they require more than single planet's worth of population. Especialyl since the said planet was mostly deserted, there wouldn't be enough people.
21st, unless a large contingent of the Adeptus Mechanicus was with the sisters, and they have survived, or if a tech-marine (of the space marine) was with them, it would be impossible to fix the ship. Unlike the world now days, in 40K era, technology are revered and only the tech-priests and the members of Adeptus Mechanicus are sanctioned to make any large repairs or build a machine. OF course, patching a couple holes would be no problem and anybody could do it, if something needed fixing, major or minor, it had to be the Mechanicus, because they're the only one who knew how to do things. If the non-members of the Mechanicus knew of such knowledge, they would immediately be persecuted for "Techno-heresy".
So, that's my 21 reason why it would not be realistic. Of course, I am considered very picky and less forgiving than the other members....
Overall it's a great story, it has excellent basics, and nicely organized layouts. But when someone who's well adequated at WH lore looks at this, they would provably go "Huh? What the heck?".
Of course, I'm not saying it's bad, it's great! It has passion and possiblity of a great story, but in many WH community, I am afraid it will simply be banished and labelled as "Heresy!". Despite all that, I see a possiblity of great theme and story here.
IF you wish to continue on with this, just give me a line saying that you want so, then I will give you what's technically wrong as to not matching the WH40K world, and not anything about the "female can't be marine" stuff and on.
Hope this helps! (That took long!) And also thanks for listenign to my suggestion and fixing it! I was having a headache when I first tried to read it.
_________________ "Revenge is a dish best served with mayonnasie and those cheesy things on stick" -Escir the Loopy, Governor of Corania, removed from office by Officio Assasinorum
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